


(when it's cold outside) i'll keep you warm

by bilgegungoren00



Series: who is in control? [8]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brothers, Family, Gen, Human!Connor, Role Reversal AU, android!hank, tw: mentions of panic attacks, tw: mentions of self-harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-05-16 04:12:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19310377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bilgegungoren00/pseuds/bilgegungoren00
Summary: Connor finally decides to talk to his brothers about his panic attacks.Role reversal AU 8TW: mentions of panic attacks and self-harm





	1. dinner

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all!!
> 
> sorry this took me so long to write, but i had my college entrance exam and i've literally been through hell and back these last couple of weeks. but i'm back, and HOPEFULLY i can post the next chapters far quicker.
> 
> anyways, hope you enjoy this!

Connor was never particularly good at cooking. Being a detective, his work hours were wacky at best, I-didn’t-see-my-house-for-two-days at worst. Besides, being a workaholic who also had a crippling anxiety, he never really found the time to learn cooking. He lived off of take-outs most of the time—or at least until Hank came and insisted he start on a healthy diet.

Now he ate android-cooked meals seven days a week, consisting mostly of veggies and salads. He did kind of miss the old days of hamburgers and instant noodles.

Normally, he would never attempt to cook, especially if Hank was at home. Today was an exception, though. Today, he needed a distraction too badly that he resorted to cooking—or at least chopping the vegetables Hank would use to prepare something that was actually edible.

He sighed as he grabbed another carrot from the bowl. He could feel Hank’s eyes on him. The android was worried. Duh, what did he expect? He never once offered to help in the kitchen, and doing that right after coming home from his psychiatrist didn’t fare well. Hank probably wanted to ask what was going on, but Connor did snap at him just an hour ago, so apparently he didn’t want to risk that again.

Not that it was Hank’s fault. It was just that… Connor was worried as well. His brothers were coming to Detroit—Caleb was so worried about Connor that when the detective couldn’t visit them, he demanded that they visit him—and tonight they’d have dinner together at Connor’s place. The dinner where Connor was planning to tell them about his anxiety.

Correction. Connor was terrified.

Deep down, he knew his brothers wouldn’t mind it. They loved him, and if Hank was right—and the android tended to be—they wouldn’t see Connor’s anxiety as a weakness. They’d see it as strength. But that was easier said than…believed. Connor might be more open about his struggles now—only to Hank and his psychiatrist, but still—but that didn’t mean he was completely okay with it. The nagging voice in his head still whispered that he was a worthless piece of shit that would eventually fail and disappoint everyone that looked up to him. His brothers came first in the line.

He just couldn’t take it if he lost them. They were…everything. But he also knew he couldn’t keep this a secret anymore. They deserved to know. He already delayed it enough, using the android revolution as an excuse. This was the perfect opportunity.

Didn’t mean it would be easy.

“Connor?” Hank’s voice interrupted his thoughts. It seemed like the android couldn’t take the silence anymore. “You okay?”

Connor sighed and shook his head. “Yeah, yeah. Of course.”

“Hm. See, Connor, for some reason I don’t believe that.” The detective rolled his eyes.

“I wonder why.”

“You’ve been quiet since you came, and you’re helping me with dinner, which I can only assume is because you’re trying to distract yourself—“

“That was a rhetorical question, Hank.” Connor sighed again. “You’re right. I’m not okay.”

“Is this about your psychiatrist?”

“No, don’t worry. She’s great. She’s…really helping me with this. It’s about my brothers. I’m…” He bit his lip and looked up at Hank. “I’m going to talk to them. About my panic attacks.”

Only the sound of the boiling water cut the silence in the room. Hank didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, just looking at Connor, before he stepped forward. Now, Connor expected a number of different reactions from the android. A smile, maybe. A laugh. Some encouragement. Even a hug. The stern look he had on his face wasn’t one of them.

“Are you sure about this?”

“They deserve to know.” Connor frowned. “You were the one badgering me to do it.”

“Yeah, but I never forced you to. I wanted you to do it on your own time, when you were ready. They deserve to know only if you want them to know, Connor.”

“They’re my brothers.”

“But they’re not your owners.” Hank grabbed Connor’s wrist lightly and took the knife from him. Connor didn’t even realize he was holding it so tight. “I just want to make sure you’re not rushing this.”

“I’m not. I…want them to know.” The truth of that statement surprised even Connor. But Hank looked suspicious. “I do. I want them to know who I really am.”

“Your anxiety doesn’t—“

“Define me. I know, Hank. But it’s still a part of me, and I’m tired of hiding it from the people I care about the most.”

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming after that.” Connor ducked his chin and looked at the counter. He could feel his heart flutter in his chest, and if he didn’t have about a million panic attacks before, he would be afraid one was coming now. (Nothing really matched that feeling.) Hank, of course, was right as always.

“I’m terrified,” he admitted quietly. “And I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t be worried because my brothers would understand, and I somewhat believe that, but I can’t shake off that feeling. I can’t help thinking ‘what if?’ And if I lose them…” He stopped when he felt Hank’s arms around him. The android pulled him into a tight hug, and it felt so warm and reassuring that Connor felt his shoulders relax. It didn’t completely take away the fear, but it was a reminder that he wouldn’t be facing it alone.

“I won’t say you shouldn’t be worried, mainly because I know you won’t listen, even though it’s true. What I will say is that Caleb is studying medicine, and mental illnesses are a part of that. And Richard, as far as you told me, took classes about that exact same issue.”

“That’s different. That’s not someone they know.”

“If they can’t apply that in real life, that means they learned nothing. And I doubt they’re that stupid.” Connor couldn’t help chuckling at that. Hank pulled back, but he still had his hands on Connor’s shoulders. Sometimes, even the weight helped. “But even more than that, Connor, they love you too much to let a disease change that.”

“This isn’t just a disease.”

“According to the dictionary, it is. And you don’t love someone less because they have cancer.” Connor opened his mouth to argue, but one look from Hank shut him up. _Just a disease,_ he thought. One day, he hoped he could truly believe Hank in that.

Today wasn’t that day. But that didn’t mean he didn’t appreciate Hank’s help. He smiled at the android.

“Thank you.”

“Just trying to help.” And just like that, Hank turned back to his cooking. “Now get on with those vegetables. They won’t chop themselves.”

Connor chuckled. “Ay-ay, captain.”


	2. confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello y'all!!
> 
> sorry this took too long to post. since this was such an important chapter, both to the story and to the characters, i wanted to do it right, and it took me some time to figure out how to start. and then i was traveling with minimal wifi so even when i finished it, i couldn't post it until now. but anyway, hope you like this!!
> 
> let me know what you think!!
> 
> TW: mentions of panic attacks and self-harm

Connor’s brothers came around seven p.m., and after the awkward introduction with Hank, they were all sitting around the table, enjoying the android’s delicious spaghetti Bolognese and vegetable soup. (While the brothers were aware of Hank’s existence, except Caleb’s short encounter with him, they didn’t meet the android. With the revolution still going strong and fear spread around the U.S., Connor was only too glad that neither Caleb nor Richard dismissed Hank immediately and trusted him.) By the end of the night, as Hank was taking out his famous brownies out of the fridge, everyone had smiles on their faces.

“Damn,” Caleb said, leaning back on his chair. “If I knew androids could cook that well, I would’ve bought one myself long ago.”

Connor just smiled. “Well, when you can determine how much ingredients weigh just by holding them in your hands, it really speeds up the process.”

“Wait, he can do that?”

“He can also lick blood to ID people.” Connor arched his brow at Hank. While yes, that little feature saved a lot of the time since they didn’t have to deal with the forensics team, it still felt icky to the detective to see Hank just bring someone’s blood to his mouth as if it was nothing. Richard’s face, which was the embodiment of “ew”, summed it up pretty well.

“Why would you talk about that right before dessert?” Richard asked Connor, earning a quiet chuckle from his brother.

“Eh, you get used to it when you see it every single day.” Connor pointedly stared at Hank. The android seemed as indifferent as ever.

“It is an efficient way of testing blood without going through the expensive forensics process.”

“Yeah, but couldn’t it have been on your fingers or something?” The two had this argument so often that Connor knew what Hank would say before the android even opened his mouth.

“I touch a lot of things with my hands, hence they get dirty. My tongue is relatively cleaner.”

“That…” Caleb cleared his throat as if he was struggling with the words. “That sounded weirdly sexual.”

Now it was Connor’s turn to make an “ew” face. He tried to get rid of the image that appeared in his head and instead changed the subject by diving into the brownie. It was delicious as always.

After a couple seconds of silence, he felt Hank’s elbow nudge him. He turned to the android with a frown, but he immediately understood what Hank was trying to say. Of course. He was supposed to come clean to his brothers. About his anxiety and panic attacks.

Even though the weather wasn’t particularly cold, Connor suddenly wanted to wrap himself in three layers of blankets. He didn’t want to do this at all—after more than _twenty years_ of hiding it, it was difficult to even think about getting it out into the open. Yes, he’d had excuses for it, but they were exactly that—excuses. Excuses that mostly he made up in his head when the real reason he hid it was because he thought his anxiety was a weakness. Even when he had crippling panic attacks at least four or five times a week, he couldn’t talk to his family because he was scared to death that they’d leave him.

After everything, that feeling hadn’t left. Even having Hank by his side, who was a constant reminder—constant enough that even Connor almost believed him—his anxiety didn’t weaken him, didn’t change that. Sure, he didn’t have panic attacks as often as before and he was better at handling them—at least he hadn’t resorted to hurting himself for some time—but twenty years were still a long time to erase in just a couple of weeks.

Despite all that, he knew he had to talk to his brothers. He knew one reason his healing process was slow was because of that fear of losing his family. He needed their acceptance so that he could at least remove one more obstacle in his way. So he nodded to Hank as he dropped his fork on the table. Suddenly, he didn’t feel like eating the brownie at all.

Hank’s LED—the android for some reason didn’t want to remove it, and Connor had respected that—flashed yellow briefly as the android turned to Caleb and Richard. “I just got a call from the station. They need my assistance with something.”

Wow. For an android who wasn’t supposed to lie, Hank was damn good at it.

“Would you mind if I took care of that? It shouldn’t take me long.” Richard was the one who answered, since Connor was too scared to talk and Caleb’s mouth was filled with brownie.

“Of course not. Work is work.” Hank nodded, patted Connor on the back reassuringly before removing himself from the table. Caleb watched him leave.

“Does that happen too often?” Connor nodded, which wasn’t actually a lie. Even though he knew Hank was just faking it now, Detroit PD called the android for help when he was off work too often for Connor’s liking.

“He’s the only android left working with the police.” His voice, to his dismay, was shaking, and Richard of course noticed it immediately. He leaned forward, pushing away his half-finished brownie.

“Connor? Are you okay?” For once, Connor wished he could say yes. Instead, he gulped and shook his head. Richard glanced at Caleb, a frown in his face.

“What’s going on?” Caleb asked, his almost finished dessert forgotten as an unlikely stern look appeared on his face. Connor cleared his throat—several times—before he found the courage to talk. He still couldn’t look at either of his brothers’ faces.

“Now that we’re alone… I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” His voice was so hoarse and quiet that his brothers had to lean forward to hear him properly. “I’ve been keeping this from you for a long time but I think… I think you deserve to know. And I’m sick of keeping it a secret.”

“Connor, you’re scaring me,” Caleb interjected, putting a hand on Connor’s arm. “What’s going on?” Connor looked at Caleb’s hand. He could back down. He knew it. He could just laugh and say he was joking. It would be easy.

But that was exactly the problem. It would be _too easy._ He didn’t want to take the easy way out anymore. Instead, he took a deep breath and started.

“Caleb, you once told me how you envied me because I breezed through school. But that wasn’t true. It wasn’t easy for me at all.”

“We all know you studied a shit ton, Connor—“

“No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I studied, yes, but I was also so terrified of failing that…” The words got stuck in his throat. He had to force them out. “I started having panic attacks.” He held his breath briefly, feeling the cold silence in the room. He was so afraid of his brothers’ reaction that he continued before they could say anything. Somehow, even though his voice was trembling terribly, he could at least find his words more easily now.

“It started when I was in high school. My parents depended a lot on me to succeed and find a good job so that I could support you, and I was so afraid of letting all of you down that… I couldn’t deal with it. It was so rare at first that I didn’t want to bother you, and when it got serious… It was too late. You looked up to me so much that I thought if you knew, you’d be devastated. I thought you’d think I was weak and you’d leave me. But I realized I was wrong. You two are the most important people in my life, and I don’t want to keep anything from you anymore.” He stopped, staring at his hands intently. His nails were bitten to the core. Fitting.

“I’d understand if you hated me,” he added a bit later, albeit so quietly that he wondered if his brothers could even hear him. There was a huge knot in his throat, and despite everything Hank said, despite everything he tried to make himself believe, he truly thought Caleb and Richard would walk away right now.

Instead, he heard Richard pull his chair closer to Connor. He threw his arms around his shoulders. “Connor, why the hell would we ever hate you for this?”

“I was supposed to be the big brother. The role model. I was supposed to take care of you and—“

“And you did. How do you think we were able to go to college? That we studied at all? You helped us with our homework, helped our way through exams, even paid our way to college when scholarships weren’t enough. Neither of us would be here without you.” That must’ve been the most Richard said at once. Connor just stared at him, at a loss of words.

Caleb, who seemed to shake off the initial shock only then, joined Richard. “You saved me from an abusive relationship. You listened to us when no one else would, even when you had work to do. You were always there for us.” He lifted his head and met Connor’s eyes. His smile was warm and comforting. “Connor, we could never hate you. We couldn’t even pay back our debt if we tried.”

“You don’t owe me anything—“ Richard cut Connor’s words.

“We owe you _everything_.” He tugged Connor closer and let his brother rest his head on his shoulder. Connor realized briefly that this might’ve been the first time he let his brothers comfort him instead of the other way around. It felt so incredibly good that tears filled his eyes. “I wish you would’ve told us sooner so that we could take care of you, too. So that you weren’t alone in this all these years.”

“And,” Caleb chimed in with a mischievous smile, “it’s good to know that your role model isn’t invincible. It kinda makes you feel better about all your own failures.” Connor couldn’t help laughing and Richard joined in with a quiet chuckle of his own.

“Thank you,” he whispered, squeezing Caleb’s hand and looking up at Richard. Tears started sliding down his face. “Thank you,” he murmured again, and again, and again, as his brothers held him in their arms. He couldn’t help thinking back to the first time Hank came to his house, the first time the android found out about his panic attacks. Hank had held him then, too—mainly to stop him from hurting himself, but he still held him. Connor hadn’t let himself think, at first, how good it felt to have someone there to help him through his panic attacks, his comfort overshadowed by the terror of someone finding out about it.

Now he felt the same thing, only much more intense, and while he thanked his brothers outside, he thanked Hank in his mind for all his help bringing Connor here. Without the android, he was sure, he would’ve still been his same old self-loathing self, quietly suffering through panic attacks and killing himself piece by piece with destructive habits. And yet here he was, his heart laid open for his brothers, and he felt happy. For once, he felt truly, unconditionally happy.


End file.
